Father’s Day not a day of celebration for some

by Rick Nischalke on June 22, 2010

For many of you Father’s Day was an incredibly sad day.  On a day when you are supposed to be celebrated you were ignored or at worse maligned. It is not a day in which you celebrate fatherhood but one which has become a reminder of injustices in the family court system and the evil that seems to be taking over.

I have witnessed the pain that Rick goes through on Father’s Day for the last 11 years.  He wakes up with an extremely heavy heart and a sadness that just won’t go away.  We go to church where fathers are acknowledged and honored, then usually do something special to celebrate what an awesome father he is.  But without his boys in his life the celebrations are often empty and have very little meaning.  At times he wishes the day would just disappear off the calendar.  The sad reality is that Rick is not the only one who feels this way.

Here’s what a few of my Facebook  friends posted on Father’s Day.

“It had been a harsh Father’s Day for me & many daddys deprived of our children by Family Courts. We “target parents” are often hit so badly that we often feel like giving up…”

“hard to focus on much today….”

“I am a father. Not a deadbeat, not a coward, not a man that runs away from being a father, or a deserter of my own flesh and blood. Not a sperm donor or a court appointed ATM, but a Father in the purest form of the word.”

If you have not been able to be apart of your child’s life this Father’s Day because of Parental Alienation we are sorry and want to wish you the best. We know and understand your pain and we are standing with you on this journey.  God Bless You — Barb

{ 16 comments… read them below or add one }

1 mike jeffries June 23, 2010 at 5:09 am

Sadly, parental alienation sucks the happiness out of most holidays for targeted parents. However Father’s Day and Mother’s Day are probably the worst.

On these days a targeted parent’s goal isn’t to celebrate the holiday, but to get through it and turn the page on the calendar as quickly as possible.

Sincerely,

mike jeffries
Author, A Family’s Heartbreak: A Parent’s Introduction to Parental Alienation

2 Daniel June 28, 2010 at 4:59 am

Father’s Day was a horribly sad day. Woke up wishing the day was over before it even started. It was definitely one of those days you wish you could just pull the covers over your head and never get out of bed. But life does go on and with or without my kids I am still their dad.

3 Frank June 29, 2010 at 4:58 am

My cousin recommended this blog because I am going through Parental Alienation. She was totally right. The resources on Keeping Families Connected are very helpful. I have already started looking into making a website for my kids and the suggested reading materials. Thanks for all you are doing.

Frank

4 John June 30, 2010 at 4:00 pm

I don’t want to celebrate any holidays since my children have been gone. Father’s Day and Christmas are the worst! Unless you have gone through this you have no idea the pain and helplessness you feel knowing your children are out there and there is nothing you can do to help them. It is worse than a death. I hate every day! But I have to go on. Just don’t know if I have the strength anymore.

5 Victor July 1, 2010 at 10:41 am

Great site. A lot of useful information here. I’m sending the link to a friend going through parental alienation with his kids and ex wife.

6 Susan December 28, 2010 at 6:24 am

The love of my life has been faced with a bitter ex-wife who is using the family court system to alienate and keep him from the children that God gave him. Fathers day was a day of suffering for him, and I carry is pain.
You men are dads with tons of love to give. I will continue to keep all of you in my prayers.

7 Dave Hutchinson June 14, 2011 at 10:34 am

This year’s Father’s Day will be harder than most, I am a divorced parent since 2003 with my ex wife I have a Son and then after that I had a daughter, both mothers have sought to alienate me as a father, move new men into their lives and place distance between me any my wonderful children. For 4 years i worked in Iraq as a firefighter and hardly saw my children, when I came back I came back to a very different life and now never see my children. I ask and am ignored to no end. I had a website for my children where I posted letters to them and then was forced by an attorney and mother’s boyfriend to take down site to my children or face jail…All I want for Father’s Day is to see and hold my children in my arms like so many others will get to do. I have been invited to Father’s day cook outs but nobody understands the pain in my heart every day knowing I don’t see my children, play with them or get to watch them grow up. So my wish is that my children enjoy their Father’s Day in Virginia while I sit at home in Maine looking at the few pictures I have them. Never stop fighting for your children no matter what the cost is.

8 kitty June 18, 2011 at 7:51 am

I am truly sorry for those of you that seem to be great dads and moms and for those parents that have been responsible and did everything to be a part of your kids lives. However, there is also those fathers who come and go as they wish, are cowards, abusers and take no responsibility whatsoever. And to fight those is really hard too. My heart breaks for my own son because I have married and reproduced with one of the irresponsible kind and very likely, he will be admitted back into our son’s life although he abandoned his child and his other children from a previous marriage several times. There is not much I can do to protect my son from abandonment, mistreatment and other things. Please would anyone of you tell me what happened to you so that you got cut off that bad? My still-hubby is a criminal with domestic violence record and other things, ??? I don’t get it.

9 kitty June 18, 2011 at 8:07 am

Oh, and did I mention that my son’s father plays the “I’m so christian” thing. No doubt that God has great plans in store for him but not when he batters, verbally threatens to kill people and so on but he “convinces” , let’s name it, he deceives people by playing the game “I love God so much, I’d do anything for him”. Yeah? how about stop battering and lying about it. This seems to be a christian website, please everybody be aware of the fact that over 80% of the women that are immigration victims are battered spouses and victims of pastor husbands. Christian pastors, not Allah lovers. I truly wish and I pray that we christians will learn a healthy lifestyle in God and that we have the courage to stand and fight with him. Open your mouth and fight if you have to, pray and pray and intercede and follow what God has to say and what he wants to do in our lives. But please don’t play or remain in the sad victim role! and lick your wounds. Take spiritual control and authority rather than playing the poor me. My son is facing hell with his father but I know one thing: my son is protected in God and God is in charge. All for a reason. Do you know God’s reasons and plans for you? Does our God not deserve all the glory?

10 Michele May 30, 2012 at 6:16 pm

I am recently dating a nice man, who I have know since I was a kid but just recently (2.5 months) started dating. I am 46 and he is 47. I am a mother of a 16 year old, who raises my daughter with her father. What hit home with me was when we first separated when she was 3 (she is now 16) was that I was told that my daughter’s relationship would be her own with her father, not like mine. I feel fathers are very much needed in their children’s life and that is why I just only started dating again…after 13 years. Anyway, the fellow I am seeing has a 14 year old daughter and is a alienated from her. He sent me a beautiful Mother’s Day card on my day and I want to do something for him but do not know what or how to return this sentiment to him on Father’s Day. I don’t know what it is like for him but know that it must be extremely painful and want to support him on this day, not just gloss over it, or pretend the day doesn’t exist…does anyone have any advice or thoughts on this? Thank you, I really appreciate it.

Michele

11 Adis, Ed Raguza, Grebovic June 15, 2012 at 6:23 pm

Father’s day is here but without you at our home to hug me, kiss me, to smile at me, to tell me what every father on the planet Earth wants to hear – DADDY WE LOVE YOU. I remember not long ago I was at NW flight from Frankfurt to Detroit stunned by the fact you are not on this flight like you ought to be!? The flight attendant asked me if I would care for a drink? I’ve looked over her shoulder and said: “no thanx”. She responded: “but mister” you look so, so, sad is there anything you want? I said: “yes I want to be a DAD”. “Aren’t ya”, she said? “Yes I am, I said. “than why you so sad”, she said?Because “it’s so hard to be a Dad these days”, I said. Over Island for a sec., I thought I ve seen Emina’s face and one frozen tear on her right cheek … she was looking strait into my eyes speechless, motionless, ….. !? I put on speakers Eminem was singing Mockingbird and tog hater we sang the verse “straithn up little solder”! Happy Father’s day to all fathers wherever they might be. Thank you. Ed Detroit read more? OK at http://www.facebook.com/groups/325409837651/ USA FATHER VS BOSNIA GOVERNMENT!?

12 Ellie July 13, 2012 at 5:26 pm

I need to comment that Mother’s Day is one of the worst holidays of the year for me along with each of my children’s birthdays, Channukkah/Christmas, my birthday, and every other holiday I have been shut out of. PAS is insidious…

13 Tim Johnston Japan November 5, 2012 at 11:23 pm

I share the same feelings. I’m very depressed on Fathers day and on my Sons Birthday. These are 2 important days for most parents and of course, I wanna feel the same pleasure. Since my ex-wife has denied me access, I need strength on these days.
Tim Johnston Japan

14 clay January 16, 2013 at 8:32 pm

‘Reversal of the Norm’

Easy solutions are usually the best. If the courts are truly concerned ONLY of what’s in the best interest of the children we ALREADY have that answer; it does not need to be endlessly litigated. Fully every single study ever done proves that children do better with equal access to both parents after divorce, esp. their fathers. There has never been a variation to this finding save for extreme situations. We all know this and there is no disputing the fact. Still, mothers feel they are the better parent after divorce and demand full custody simply by virtue of their gender. Complicit courts allow and encourage this. Of course we all know it is really money driven (via ‘mommy support’ payments) and most always from the father to the mother; even if she earned more money than he during their marriage!
Most mothers feel so angry after a divorce (even if they caused it) that they feel justified in ‘taking’ the children as punishment out on their soon to be ex whilst at the same time expecting him to pay her for kidnapping (which is illegal) for 18 more years! The complicit Judges, staying ‘within the proposed guidelines’ easily make this happen by simply reducing the father’s visitation time with his children thereby setting up that the cash flows to the mother from the father even if during the marriage, he spent more time with the children and his wife made the most money outside the home! Yes- Judges are allowed to do that; irrespective of what the father (or mother) is specifically asking for and he does not even have to explain why! Indeed, you will not even be given a chance to ask him about it as everyone is ushered out of the court room only to find out how the judge ruled in a document sent to you several weeks later in the mail called FINAL DISSOLUTION. Too late to call him on his criminal malfeasance! See how easy that is? Very few fathers understand that they have an option instead of erroneously believing the judge knows what he is doing. He does not. For how could he? He has never met any of the people before today yet he makes life altering decisions for them under the guise that he knows what’s in their best interest? Huh? That sounds more like children’s posturing on a swing set, not Superior Court! Where was the wise judge with help and advice to save the marriage before it came to its terminus? Yet somehow, he has enough information to change everybody’s lives just because they now stand in front of him for the first time?
It is sad that the mother gets pissed off because she was caught cheating (which naturally ends the marriage) and so makes the father pay for her adultery forevermore by purposely withholding equal access to his children even demanding payment from him for the privilege! And we have a blatantly ‘mother bias’ court system helping her all along the way to accomplish that endeavor…
Folks, this is not a ‘made for TV movie’ script but actually business as usual in today’s family court!
If I were a king (like most judges already feel they are) in my court room, it would automatically be known that both parents will share custody of the minor children EQUALLY until the children are 18 unless there is REAL compelling evidence why this can’t work. For example; the mother travels for a living and is not able to be home very much. In situations like this it will be highly encouraged (if not mandated) by the court for the mother to find “more suitable employment“ (within a reasonable time period) that would foster equal and regular contact of the children with both parents. This is exactly how the situation would be handled if the parents were still married so why does it always change to favor the mother after a divorce? In community property states, the division of property (which is always less contentious than division of the children) would be the only matter to be addressed i.e., everything acquired after the marriage is divided equally, no question about it. This one is up front and easy. No problem there and it certainly seems fair to all so why not divide the children equally as well?!?! Whose bright idea proposed that after divorce, the mother gets the children and fathers are reduced to the obligatory ‘every other weekend’ only?

Not me!

Further, if I were a judge; “I don’t care how badly you parents treated each other before or even during the divorce, I will NOT let that influence me in giving more time to the mother! I know that the law of averages state that mothers are at least 50% at fault for all problems in a marriage and just because you two cannot get along does not automatically mean that the father is the lesser parent! You both brought the children into this world; you both will take care of them equally until they are 18” would be my ‘standard and usual’ proclamation from the bench. What could be simpler, more fair, less costly, and free up the courts and most accurately what is in the best interest of the children? It’s what the children want. It’s what the fathers want. It’s supposedly what the courts want; (remember, what’s in the best interest of the child?) and only mothers are the ones endlessly fighting this concept, why? Money, control and revenge. Whatever happened to ‘majority rules’?
As king…, I mean Judge, instead of the mother coming into my court room incessantly fighting for full custody; endlessly dragging out the litigation costing thousands of dollars from both sides (which the lawyers use to line their pockets but is better spent toward the children) BOTH SIDES would have to prove instead why a 50/50 equal split is not in the best interest of the children. Prove instead to me why it can’t work by real evidence!
Mother’s hearsay, attitude, finger pointing and biased-opinion will never suffice for real evidence!
“If you say it can’t work I want to know EXACTLY who your employer is and EXACTLY what your hours are and it will be verified before a ruling is made. In my desire to be fair to ALL PERSONS here today I will attempt to remove the possibility of either of you becoming a ‘dead beat parent’ by MANDATING that you both stay in your children’s lives until they are 18. That’s right, MANDATING! (No longer will the courts and society be able to hide behind the lie called ‘dead-beat’ dad) Neither parent will be allowed to shirk their responsibilities toward their children as it was when they were still married. All expenses incurred for the maintenance of the minor children will be split evenly and binding mediation paid for by both (not endless, costly litigation) will henceforth be the vehicle to handle any disputes as they come up until age 18”.
With this simple, easily workable solution, mothers will no longer be the ‘favored gender’ as has been the case for far too long and a potential bonus of this ‘reversal of the norm’ is quite possibly that many divorces would not happen at all if the mothers understand fully that they will not get the car, the house, the furniture, alimony, and ‘mommy support’ for 18 long years and of course, the biggest prize of all; possession and control of the children.
This new and very workable system would completely eliminate-

1) Child support enforcement departments (none is paid to either parent)
2) Visitation enforcement agencies (equal time is already mandated)
3) Either parent taking on FULL responsibility of solely raising the children alone
4) ‘Mother bias’ would cease to be the way we do business in family court
5) Children erroneously believing that “daddy doesn’t love me as much as mommy cuz he only sees me 4 days a month”
6) Mother’s ability to withhold visitation from the father as ransom in lieu of always more and more money (which of course proves she is more interested in money than the children. Even the courts see the money and visitation as SEPARATE issues but of course, many mothers do not…)
7) Men would no longer be able to father children and then abandon them in exchange for large monthly installments made to the mother
8) Mothers can no longer run to the welfare system for yet additional monetary support claiming the father has abandoned his children (never admitting she actually kidnapped them) freeing up many tax payer dollars
9) Mothers ability to double and triple dip I.e. monetary support from first, second and third husbands AS WELL AS welfare assistance AND her full time employment while fathers have only a single job for his sole income
10) Neither parent would be allowed to move out of state effectually withholding access to the children under the guise of “finding a better job”. You must wait until the child is 18 as it is mandated that both parents stay involved equally
11) Neither parents’ rights and wishes toward the children will trump the other parents desires out of spite or revenge
12) Fathers frustration that his ‘mommy support’ goes only to her drug habit (and her new paramour’s truck payment) and not to his kids as there is currently ZERO accounting for how his money is spent on the children, if at all. When the kids are with Father he pays for everything and the reverse is true during mother’s time thus insuring neither parent can claim no money is being spent on the children

Maybe, just maybe this will cause more relationships to ‘try and work things out’ which would ultimately be better for society as a hole. Certainly not all marriage should stay together but just as certainly; the time is well past for a ‘Reversal of the Norm’.

15 Gregory May 21, 2013 at 8:17 am

I don’t celebrate Father’s Day; It is a tough day for me. I will celebrate when I am reunited with my daughter.

16 Tim Johnston Japan October 2, 2013 at 9:12 pm

The Family court or Mediation Court is just a way for them to feed clients into the system. Keep the Lawyers busy, give the judges work, city employees work and act like they even care a rats ass about citizens within their respective countries.

The Fact that the U.S. and Japan don’t work together as effectively as you might think they would. No, U.S. child has been returned. And I still have yet to gain access to my Son Kai. I have spent over 20,000 dollars fighting for rights. I pay my monthly payments. Yet I have no access and the Mother can do what ever she likes and her Government lets her get away with abusive parental rights violations. Also, the mental toll it might take on our children.

How much more can LBPS take? We have had our children alienated and abducted. The system doesn’t work and is making a mockery of the tax payers.

As we sit on the sidelines hoping praying and abiding. We miss all those days, Fathers Days, Birthdays, Christmas, School sports festivals and even more meals together and watching the growth before our eyes.
Hope Japan can get off it’s Ass and begin to grant access and get the healing process on the right path.

Tim Johnston Japan (Father of Kai)
Kai Endo Japan

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