Parental Alienation – Forgiveness the path to ultimate healing.

by Rick Nischalke on October 4, 2010

It is amazing to me that people aren’t content with destroying our lives once, they want to continue to destroy it over and over again. It is a very sick world that we live in. Rick and I have lived with and experience this kind of pain on a daily basis, so I know to a small extent what you are feeling when the pain comes again and again. I have been thinking about writing this post for months.  I know for some of you I have switched to meddling.

I keep asking myself over and over, what do you really need to do to heal from parental alienation.  So many of us are victims of this horrific form of child abuse.  We have been the brunt of lie after lie, many of us have been destroyed financially, and worst of all we have lost our children because of the actions of  a very selfish individual.    We feel so powerless, the situation is totally out of our control and there is nothing we can do about it.  You are absolutely right, the sad reality is that no matter how hard we try we can not change our ex-spouses and we can not stop the abusive behaviour.  But we do have the ability to change some things.  The real question is what can we change?

I know from my own personal experience that as long as I held on to the hurt I gave my ex-husband power in my life.  I desperately wanted to be free from him and I found that freedom through forgiveness.  Forgiveness has helped me so much over the years in dealing with the courts,  my ex-husband, Rick’ ex- wife and all the losses we have experienced.

I have posted a brief exerpt from Neil Anderson’s book Bondage Breakers – chapter 12.  I hope that this helps you the way it has helped me.

Most of the ground that Satan gains in the lives of Christians is due to unforgiveness. We are warned to forgive others so that satan cannot take advantage of us. (2 Cor. 2:10-11). God requires us to forgive others from our hearts or He will turn us over to our tormentors (Mt. 18:34-35). Why is forgiveness so critical to our freedom? Because of the cross. God didn’t give us what we deserve; He gave us what we needed according to his mercy. We are to be merciful just as our heavenly Father is merciful (Lk 6:36). We are to forgive others as we have been forgiven (Eph.4:31-32).

Forgiveness is not forgetting. People who try to forget find they cannot. God says He will “remember no more” our sins (Heb. 10:17), but God, being omniscient, cannot forget. “Remember no more” means that God will never use the past against us (Ps. 103.12). Forgetting may be a result of forgiveness, but it is never the means to forgiveness. When we bring up the past against others, we haven’t forgiven them.

Forgiveness is a choice, a crisis of the will. Since God requires us to forgive, it is something we can do. (He would never require us to do something we cannot do.) But forgiveness is difficult for us because it pulls against our concept of justice. We want revenge for offenses suffered. But we are told never to take our own revenge (Rom.12:19). “Why should I let them off the hook?” we protest. You let them off your hook, but they are never off God’s hook. He will deal with them fairly — something we cannot do.

If you don’t let offenders off your hook, you are hooked to them and the past, and that means continued pain for you. Stop the pain; let it go. You don’t forgive someone merely for their sake; you do it for your sake so you can be free. Your need to forgive isn’t an issue between you and the offender; it is between you and God.

Forgiveness is agreeing to live with the consequences of another person’s sin. Forgiveness is costly; we pay the price of the evil we forgive. Yet you are going to live with those consequences whether you want to or not; your only choice is whether you will do so in the bitterness of unforgiveness or the freedom of forgiveness. That’s how Jesus forgave you — He took the consequences of your sin upon Himself. All true forgiveness is substitutional, because no one really forgives without bearing the penalty of the other person’s sin.

Why then do we forgive? Because Christ forgave us. God the Father “made Him who knew no sin to be sin on our behalf, that we might become the righteousness of God in Him” (2 Cor.5:21). Where is the justice? The cross makes forgiveness legally and morally right: “For the death that He died, He died to sin, once for all” (Rom.6:10).

How do you forgive from the heart? First you acknowledge the hurt and hate. If you forgiveness doesn’t visit the emotional core of your past, it will be incomplete. This is the great evangelical cover-up. Christians feel the pain of interpersonal offenses, but we don’t acknowledge it. Let God bring the pain to the surface so He can deal with it. This is where healing takes place. Ask God to bring to your mind those you need to forgive as you read the following prayer aloud:

Dear Heavenly Father, I thank you for the riches of Your kindness, forbearance, and patience, knowing that Your kindness has led me to repentance (Rom. 2:4). I confess that I have not extended the same patience and kindness toward others who have offended me, but instead I have harbored bitterness and resentment. I pray that during this time of self-examination You would bring to mind only those people that I have not forgiven in order that I may do so (Mt. 18:35). I also pray that if I have offended others You would bring to mind only those people from whom I need to seek forgiveness and the extent to which I need to seek it (Mt.5:23-24). I ask this in the precious name of Jesus. Amen.”

{ 18 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Candice October 5, 2010 at 2:00 am

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2 Italia October 5, 2010 at 10:48 pm

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3 Rick October 13, 2010 at 6:15 am

Hello, I think your blog is epic. Congrats. This topic in particular really hit home for me. I know that I need to forgive my ex and move on but it is so hard. The things she has done to my children and me at times seem unforgivable. I am a Christian and want to do what is right but this is hard. Thanks for sharing.

4 tagesgeldvergleich October 22, 2010 at 2:54 pm

There is obviously a lot to know about this. I think you made some good points.
Keep working ,great job!

5 Brad October 22, 2010 at 8:57 pm

I just signed up to your blogs rss feed. Will you post more on this subject?

6 Vic October 27, 2010 at 11:02 am

This blog is very good and informative. It is pretty hard task but your post and experience provide and teach me how to handle and make it more effective and manageable.Thanks for the tips. Warmest regards.

7 Dan October 29, 2010 at 2:55 am

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8 Peter November 2, 2010 at 9:53 am

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9 suchheini November 4, 2010 at 10:25 am

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10 Hector November 9, 2010 at 11:25 am

I find myself coming to your blog more and more often. This was an extremely thought provoking post.

11 Mike J. November 20, 2010 at 8:56 pm

You certainly deserve a round of applause for your post and more specifically, your blog in general. Very high quality material

12 nora January 2, 2011 at 4:55 pm

You are a great person, forgiveness is very difficult in this cases. I married a man from another ethnic background, so I don’t have nobody here, I have not money and either a career. That way my kids are pull away from me is via material things, they ignore me just like their dad. I cannot go nowhere because we are in middle of bankruptcy. So all I can do is to cry in silent, I am so sad I can’t even stand up sometimes

13 Carl January 4, 2011 at 2:23 pm

I need some advice. I just found out that my 25 year old son, who I haven’t seen or talked to in 13 years because of PAS, is in prison for drug trafficking. I want to write him a letter…open up a line of communication…but I don’t know what I should say and what I shouldn’t say. I don’t want to say anything bad about his mom (my ex), so at least I know that, I just don’t know what to say. If anybody out there can help me, please do. I feel this is my one and only chance with getting back into my son’s life. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

14 felicity adele robson July 26, 2011 at 4:44 am

Thank you for posting these words. I am on my knees with the grief of losing my darling daughter. I am at a loss to know what to do. However, I know that I need to stay strong for when the day comes that she realises what her father has done to her to try and hurt me.
To do this, I will repeat this prayer to myself and keep it with me whenever I attend The Family Court.
Stay strong everyone and fight the good fight. Our children deserve it.

15 Bennie Jane Lesher October 24, 2011 at 8:05 pm

Thank you. I know this to be true,but it helps alot to be reminded.Thank you again and may God bless you for you thoughtfulness. Sincerely Bennie Jane Lesher

16 Barb Thorogood December 8, 2012 at 8:46 am

Hi, I’m new to this blog. But felt compelled to write in response to a few comments and the blog itself.
Carl…..write your Son. Tell him of how much you love him and how you would like to support him. Remind him of fun times you had together. This is the recommendation from numerous Professionals in the PAS field.

Within the body of the blog there is mention of forgiveness. I have forgiven my ex. I understand he is emotionally and mentally unwell. I keep forgiving him each and every time I am rejected by my children. I know from experience how well versed my ex, their dad is in harming, controlling and manipulating the people in his life that he is supposed to love and care for. However, this does not minimize the pain that comes with the rejection of my children. This is the hardest part. I remind myself I was 23 years old when I met my ex husband and I was controlled and manipulated by him for 18 years. I am now 48 years old and separated for 7 1/2 years and watching my darling children suffer. I know in my heart they will see the light one day. And, I will continue to love them through this. And, I will take the advice of the experts in PAS and continue to support and remind my children of the loving and fun times we have had together.
Good luck all. Be true to who you are and keep the faith. Our Children will come back to us.

17 Gregory May 21, 2013 at 8:20 am

I am going through the same thing myself. I am going to forgive my ex for what she has done to me. I believe that my daughter will eventually find me and I have to take care of myself which is my responsibility.

18 oc mom October 16, 2013 at 10:35 pm

Thank-you for your healing post. In my darkest moments I came to the realization that God’s gift to us was the ultimate example of parental alienation. Your post and prayer helped me to keep my head above water in the most difficult of times. I read your story and it really hit close to home with me. During my marriage, I felt like I was living with pure evil, I had no idea how bad things were about to become. Twelve years later, I’m still dealing with an ex-spouse who seems to find pleasure in destroying everyone around him, including his son. I truely want to find forgiveness in my heart and am working towards it but, am sometimes unsure as how to achievce it. My once very loving son, now refuses to see or talk to me, all of his values seem to have disappeared and he doesn’t acknowledge any of the great loving times we have had. The alienation has extended to beloved grandparents, friends, cousins and his beloved dogs. I continue to pray that God will soften his heart so that he will be open to all the love and support he has around him. I continue to pray for my son, parents and children separted by such horrific emotional abuse.

Thank you again

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