I just finished reading the book Broken by Tim Baker – wow is it powerful. I believe any child (teenage or above) whose parents have divorced at some point in their life owe it to themselves to read this book. He is so honest and forthright that it is refreshing. He gives kids of divorce a voice to speak what is truly on their minds while at the same time helping them work through the issues associated with the divorce of their parents. I could so clearly see both of my girls in the book. They responded so differently from each other but fit perfectly with his descriptions of normal and typical responses. With more than 60% of all marriages ending in divorce teachers, counselors and youth pastors around the globe should be recommending this book to the teens and young adults they come in contact with. If we don’t help this generation heal from the damage done by parents who divorce we will perpetuate the cycle. Kids whose parents have divorced are much more likely to get a divorce themselves. It is critical that they learn how to break this cycle of divorce. Learn how to deal with the emotions going on inside of them and learn how to effectively communicate. Tim helps with all of these things. Healing from a divorce is essential to all parties in the divorce – Mom, Dad and kids.
“The Last Addiction” by Sharon Hersh is a great book. It covers all sorts of normal addictions such as alcohol, drugs, gambling, eating disorders, pornography but it goes beyond the norm to discuss addictions like people pleasing. Who knew that people pleasing could be an addiction. As I look back over my life and struggles, I have become more and more aware of my addiction to people pleasing. Trying to be all things to all people never works out especially if you are married to an alienator personality. For 20 years I was absolutely convinced that all the issues in my marriage were mine. “If only”…. I hadn’t responded that way, or if I had done what he asked, or…. you fill in the blank. There were literally hundreds of “if only’s” that haunted me for years after the divorce. As Sharon so eloquently puts it ” we harbor fears that there is something deeply wrong with us, that we’ll reveal our flaws and experience the shame of being fools”. In an effort to avoid that I created a world where I made things as perfect as I could make them. My people pleasing lead to me becoming a classic enabler. I made excuses for my husband’s bad behavior and selfishness, I picked up the slack so no one would know the truth of what was going on in my life, and never held him accountable for his own actions. This book has really helped me see my own life much more clearly.
Divorce Poison was the book that finally explained what was happening in my life. Are your children slowly slipping away from you after the divorce? Is your parenting time is being interferred with by your ex-spouse? Have your children started calling you by your first name? Have they refused to take your calls? Do you see a general change in demeanor in your children? If you aren’t sure what is happening and need some answers then this is one book you must read. Dr. Warshak brilliantly outlines what is happening to you. Helps you through the process and gives you creative strategies to deal with what is going on. If I hadn’t read Divorce Poison I would have never known that the parental interference I was experiencing had a name — Parental Alienation. We are so thankful to Dr. Warshak, because of his influence we created the website for our sons and had the inspiration to help others on their journey with PA and PAS.
Just watched a new program that Dr. Warshak has put together for kids and parents of alienation called “Welcome Back, Pluto” We love the program and think that it is greatly needed and will be a tremendous help putting families back together. It touched our hearts.
This is what Dr. Warshak says about the program and why he chose the name: “For 76 years Pluto was part of our family of planets. Then, one day in 2006, astronomers decided that Pluto was not worthy of being considered a planet. The word “plutoed” has come to mean “to be demoted or devalued without good cause or reason.”
I thought Pluto was an apt symbol for alienated parents who have been demoted by their children. It also symbolizes the emotional and physical distance between alienated children and their rejected parents. For children who have cast a parent out of their lives, or are thinking about doing so, or one of their parents thinks it would be okay to reject the other parent, this program gives children another, healthier, perspective. Welcome Back, Pluto can help children recover, and keep, the family they deserve.”
Watch the trailer for more information. We highly encourage families experiencing alienation to get the DVD. The information on the DVD may be the very thing, that could change the direction your family is heading.
One of the very best books that I read while going through my divorce was Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. Like many of you, I was married to a passive aggressive manipulator who knew how to push my buttons to get what he wanted. For years I didn’t even realize I was being manipulated. I knew I hated what was happening but I figured that being married meant you made compromises. The problem was that the compromises always seemed to come from me. I didn’t realize until I was in the midst of the divorce how incredibly disfunctional I had become. I had become a classic enabler and I needed to change.
For the first time in my life I learned what appropriate boundaries looked like and how to set them. This book was very empowering to me and gave me the confidence I needed to stick up for myself. It is on my top ten best books list. I would highly recommend it to everyone. –Barb–